-- by Mike Murray

Soon she’ll be packing her bags. Very early tomorrow morning, she’ll be on her way. Gone to visit her family in West Virgina. And, when she goes, I will be free – free to do all the things that wives typically discourage. For a few precious days, I will be emancipated. I will live the carefree life of a bachelor.

I will be able to stay up late. All night, if I wish. Absent her influence, I will have complete control over my own schedule. I can entirely avoid the heat and humidity of the daylight hours – all weekend long – if I so desire. Work and play at night; sleep during the day. Or not. It will be up to me.

And, with no one around to reproach me, I will eat what I want, when I want. Calorie counts? Fat percentages? Salt levels? Hah! Instead of consuming controlled amounts of healthy foods at predictable times, I will alternately gorge and fast. Scarf down junk food with impunity. Eat over the sink.

The dog will get two walks per day – same as always. But they will occur at my convenience. Instead of the regular-as-rain 7 a.m., 7 p.m. routine favored by my wife, sojourns in her absence could as easily take place at 3 a.m. as 3 p.m. (Because dogs are creatures of habit, this will be something of a sacrifice for Janna. But I tell her: “Hey, think of all those extra treats you’ll be getting while ‘mommy dog’ is away!”)

Yes, life will be good when she goes. I will eat my fill of Tater Tots. Consume whole jars of dill pickles in single sittings. (And then drink the juice.) Fix myself as many slices of Miracle Whip bread as I want. Eat Campbell’s soup right out of the can.

I will surf the Net, make my Twitter posts, write my essays, and complete sundry assignments – at all hours of the day and night. Whatever. Whenever. I will assert my dominance over the “control module” (that’s the television remote control to you, ladies). I will flit from channel to channel – with nary an estrogen-enhanced creature in sight to rebuke me.

I will watch endless coverage of the Tour de France. Reruns of Ohio State vs. Michigan football games. Archived Olympics track coverage. Silly sitcoms. And movies that hold no interest whatsoever for my “better half.” Manly, guy flicks such as Unforgiven and Hang ‘Em High and No Country for Old Men. (And a few touching ones, too, such as Marley & Me and Saint Ralph and Tootsie. But she doesn’t need to know that.)

Yes, life will be good when she goes. 'Course, it will be even better when she returns. (But she doesn’t need to know that, either.)

Copyright © 2009 Michael F. Murray -- All rights reserved.